----
INT night women's public restroom
Jill
Do you think I have on too much eye-makeup?
Jane
Um...
Jill
I need enough to bring out my eyes, but not be whorish.
Jane
It's not whorish.
Jill
Good.
Jane
Whores don't wear that much eye-makeup. You look more like you're trolling for a hallucinogenic milk bar.
Jill
Oh god, you just reminded me about last night at that bar. What's wrong with men?
Jane
Just repeat this mantra: he's gay. Say it with me now....
JIll
No, it's not that. I haven't even told you what happened have I?
Jane
No, I just assumed...
Jill
Well, okay. My blind date last night-
Jane
Stop right there.
Jill
What?
Jane
Did you meet online?
JIll
Ahh...
Jane
Uhhh (shudders) Okay, continue.
JIll
Don't judge me-
Jane
Not judging. It's a valid method for meeting potential mates.
Jill
You're judging me.
Jane
(beat)
Okay yes. I apologize. Please continue, and in the process reinforce my negative opinion of online "dating" (air quotes)
JIll
(beat)
Anyway. So he wants to meet at this bar-
Jane
Which one?
Jill
That one on 5th and Main, downtown.
Jane
Is that the one with the pool tables and a slightly seedy vibe?
Jill
Yes, that one.
Jane
That's pretty far away. Why'd you go there?
Jill
It was near his work-
Jane
No, see, that was your second mistake, never go to his turf. That's some bad voodoo. It should be your turf, or the very least neutral and inexpensive, like the Olive Garden or something, and very well lit. Preferably at noon on a weekday. If you are going to do the blind date thing at all.
Jill
Oh I agree, it was a bad idea. I don't know what I was thinking. So, we meet, and the first thing he does is plant his hand on the small of my back. And he keeps putting it there off and on the entire evening. I felt like a ventriloquist dummy. Then he starts talking about his ex-girlfriend, and how much of a bitch she was. I tried changing the subject several times. I even tried regurgitating the one fact I know about football, but no matter what I said he kept steering it back to his ex-girlfriend. It was all Martha this, and Martha that-
Jane
Her name is Martha?
Jill
You know she used to run that bakery on 15th street.
Jane
Oh I loved that place. They had awesome creampuffs.
Jill
Well, guess why she broke up with him? He took money from the till. Like all the time. It ran the business into the ground. It had been her parents' business.
Jane
Yikes. And he couldn't see why she would be upset about that?
Jill
No, he felt he was entitled to her money. They weren't even married.
Jane
And he just told you all this, on the first date?
Jill
The only date. When I got up to leave, saying of course I had to get up early in the morning, he actually said "do you want to have sex now?"
Jane
He actually said that?
Jill
He actually said that.
Jane
Was he hot?
Jill
Not really.
Jane
What's wrong with men?
Jill
I don't know. I don't understand them.
Jane
You know, with in vitro fertilization we could totally reproduce the species without having to bother with men. We could keep a few around unconscious to provide sperm-or better yet we should just do cloning. Adult stem cell cloning. I mean, we're the ones with the uteruses.
Jill
Uteri?
Jane
Dunno. My latin is crap.
Jill
I think they fear the uterus. In many cultures they think we are "unclean". Weak, frail-minded, and unclean.
Jane
That's fucking bullshit. They're the ones that don't wash their hands after they go to the bathroom. Seriously though - why bother with men?
Jill
Love? Companionship?
Jane
Dogs.
Jill
Jar opening?
Jane
Run the lid under the hot water tap.
Jill
Sex?
Jane
Use your hands and your imagination.
Jill
Intimacy?
Jane
Have a child.
Jill
There's definitely nothing more intimate than carrying another person inside you.
Jane
Exactly.
Jill
What do you think they would do if they found out they were virtually irrelevant?
Jane
Have an orgasmic orgy of apocalyptic violence where everyone dies and the planet becomes a raging fireball. Because in their logic, if they can't be on top, no one can.
Jill
(beat)
Are we chauvinists for thinking about these things?
Jane
I know I am, but damn it, men are a major source of consternation, frustration, and anger for me. They start all the wars, they piss in public, they invented professional wrestling, and way too many of them are pedophiles.
Jill
Margaret Thatcher.
Jane
Huh?
Jill
Didn't she start that war in the Falcon Islands?
Jane
I dunno. But she's mannish. She doesn't count.
Jill
Well, we should get back to our dates.
Jane
I'm not feeling the date vibe right now.
Jill
Me either.
Jane
I apologize for the man-rant. (beat) Hey, do you just want to skip out and catch a movie instead?
Jill
On a Saturday night? It'll be packed with teenagers.
Jane
Yeah. And Hollywood hasn't pooped out anything good in awhile.
Jill
Actually I was eyeing the desert menu. They have cheesecake here.
Jane
I like cheesecake. Cheesecake is better than sex. New York style?
Jill
We could ask.
Jane
Sounds like a plan.
Jill
Do you think I have on too much eye-makeup?
Jane
Um...
Jill
I need enough to bring out my eyes, but not be whorish.
Jane
It's not whorish.
Jill
Good.
Jane
Whores don't wear that much eye-makeup. You look more like you're trolling for a hallucinogenic milk bar.
Jill
Oh god, you just reminded me about last night at that bar. What's wrong with men?
Jane
Just repeat this mantra: he's gay. Say it with me now....
JIll
No, it's not that. I haven't even told you what happened have I?
Jane
No, I just assumed...
Jill
Well, okay. My blind date last night-
Jane
Stop right there.
Jill
What?
Jane
Did you meet online?
JIll
Ahh...
Jane
Uhhh (shudders) Okay, continue.
JIll
Don't judge me-
Jane
Not judging. It's a valid method for meeting potential mates.
Jill
You're judging me.
Jane
(beat)
Okay yes. I apologize. Please continue, and in the process reinforce my negative opinion of online "dating" (air quotes)
JIll
(beat)
Anyway. So he wants to meet at this bar-
Jane
Which one?
Jill
That one on 5th and Main, downtown.
Jane
Is that the one with the pool tables and a slightly seedy vibe?
Jill
Yes, that one.
Jane
That's pretty far away. Why'd you go there?
Jill
It was near his work-
Jane
No, see, that was your second mistake, never go to his turf. That's some bad voodoo. It should be your turf, or the very least neutral and inexpensive, like the Olive Garden or something, and very well lit. Preferably at noon on a weekday. If you are going to do the blind date thing at all.
Jill
Oh I agree, it was a bad idea. I don't know what I was thinking. So, we meet, and the first thing he does is plant his hand on the small of my back. And he keeps putting it there off and on the entire evening. I felt like a ventriloquist dummy. Then he starts talking about his ex-girlfriend, and how much of a bitch she was. I tried changing the subject several times. I even tried regurgitating the one fact I know about football, but no matter what I said he kept steering it back to his ex-girlfriend. It was all Martha this, and Martha that-
Jane
Her name is Martha?
Jill
You know she used to run that bakery on 15th street.
Jane
Oh I loved that place. They had awesome creampuffs.
Jill
Well, guess why she broke up with him? He took money from the till. Like all the time. It ran the business into the ground. It had been her parents' business.
Jane
Yikes. And he couldn't see why she would be upset about that?
Jill
No, he felt he was entitled to her money. They weren't even married.
Jane
And he just told you all this, on the first date?
Jill
The only date. When I got up to leave, saying of course I had to get up early in the morning, he actually said "do you want to have sex now?"
Jane
He actually said that?
Jill
He actually said that.
Jane
Was he hot?
Jill
Not really.
Jane
What's wrong with men?
Jill
I don't know. I don't understand them.
Jane
You know, with in vitro fertilization we could totally reproduce the species without having to bother with men. We could keep a few around unconscious to provide sperm-or better yet we should just do cloning. Adult stem cell cloning. I mean, we're the ones with the uteruses.
Jill
Uteri?
Jane
Dunno. My latin is crap.
Jill
I think they fear the uterus. In many cultures they think we are "unclean". Weak, frail-minded, and unclean.
Jane
That's fucking bullshit. They're the ones that don't wash their hands after they go to the bathroom. Seriously though - why bother with men?
Jill
Love? Companionship?
Jane
Dogs.
Jill
Jar opening?
Jane
Run the lid under the hot water tap.
Jill
Sex?
Jane
Use your hands and your imagination.
Jill
Intimacy?
Jane
Have a child.
Jill
There's definitely nothing more intimate than carrying another person inside you.
Jane
Exactly.
Jill
What do you think they would do if they found out they were virtually irrelevant?
Jane
Have an orgasmic orgy of apocalyptic violence where everyone dies and the planet becomes a raging fireball. Because in their logic, if they can't be on top, no one can.
Jill
(beat)
Are we chauvinists for thinking about these things?
Jane
I know I am, but damn it, men are a major source of consternation, frustration, and anger for me. They start all the wars, they piss in public, they invented professional wrestling, and way too many of them are pedophiles.
Jill
Margaret Thatcher.
Jane
Huh?
Jill
Didn't she start that war in the Falcon Islands?
Jane
I dunno. But she's mannish. She doesn't count.
Jill
Well, we should get back to our dates.
Jane
I'm not feeling the date vibe right now.
Jill
Me either.
Jane
I apologize for the man-rant. (beat) Hey, do you just want to skip out and catch a movie instead?
Jill
On a Saturday night? It'll be packed with teenagers.
Jane
Yeah. And Hollywood hasn't pooped out anything good in awhile.
Jill
Actually I was eyeing the desert menu. They have cheesecake here.
Jane
I like cheesecake. Cheesecake is better than sex. New York style?
Jill
We could ask.
Jane
Sounds like a plan.
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