Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Notebook Nuggets: Guilt

I think it would be easier to not exist because there are too many things to keep track of. For example, there are the lids. There are lids to everything. There jars and bottles and cans and containers, all with lids. Everything, almost, has a lid. The existence of lids is over whelming.


I've been toying a lot with the idea of writing a character with OCD (first person perspective), primarily because I have it (and probably mild Aspergers, based on the way I relate (or rather don't) to other people). I live in humid Hawaii yet my hands are chapped from frequent washing (usually once an hour). It was worse when I was kid. I absolutely had to wash my hands with cold water only, and soap. I'd stand outside the door whenever my dad or brother went in the bathroom, and I'd interrogate them when they came out if I didn't hear the faucet running. I always felt secure that my mom washed her hands. I'm sure I was irritating, but at least I've rarely gotten the flu. I also have difficulty wearing socks or sleeves. I can't stand the feel of fabric on those parts of my body. I can't wear jewelry for the same reason because all I can think about is how annoying it feels. I couldn't wear dresses when I was little because whenever the hem touched my legs it was like an electric shock. I don't generally like to be touched by other people unless I know they are clean, and usually only then when I am sad. However, I have no problem touching pets and animals, which are usually far more dirty than people. The exception are marsupials, which have very coarse, odd hair.

I can sometimes get obsessed by numbers and math. I actually have an addiction like problem with prime numbers. I can get thinking about them for several hours straight, and fill pages and pages with calculations and graphs. My concentration will be so intense that I won't eat or sleep when I should, and it takes a lot of effort to stop.

I'm not sure most people get it how you can be suddenly obsessive with small things -- they just sort of stick in your brain until you can 'set them right'. Of course, the OCD afflicted character has been rendered elsewhere, most recently, the title character of the show Monk.

I'm not sure this particular notebook fragment is going anywhere. It seems a little silly to me. I'm also not sure why I called it guilt, or why the character feels guilt (I presume that's what I meant).

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