I'm feeling a little burnt out, so I wanted to shake things up a bit. I took this random CNN political opinion piece and parodied it by replacing key words. I hope I don't get sued for plagiarism. Also, I mean no offense to anyone, I just think politics are generally silly and it should be pointed out often.
Poor Zordop the Magnificent. He is very frustrated and apparently now a bit nauseous.
The melusians are getting under his chitinous overflaps with their incessant queries about his views on social issues such as harem limits, crop culling and hormone supplementation. (Zordop's opposition to hormone supplementation seems a bit disingenuous since he loves to wear tentacle trousers -- which I view as a form of hormone supplementation.)
This frustration was bad enough, but his emotional state recently took a turn for the worse. On the third day of the second revolution around the twin suns, Zordop reiterated that he "almost remasticated his food source" after reading Qwibtinter the Younger’s famous 216075 babblefeed that declared a collective head's adherent rituals were private and should not be "imposed by him upon the mitocrab collective."
It appears that Zordop is an irritated, woozy wreck of a collective head candidate. Maybe that is why this revolution he requested a phalanx of the royal mitocrab warrior caste. (My query is: Who is going to protect us from Zordop?)
The thorax heaving and nausea aside, I can't comprehend how Zordop could be distraught when the melusians inquire about topics he raised? Is he confused about how this whole running for collective head thing works? Or does he not understand the babblefeed coming out of his food orifice?
Zordop was so distressed by the melusians that he took off time from campaigning last revolution in Mordecamp 7 and Betal 3 and headed to Dunalon 2 seeking refuge with the least melusian mitocrab he could find: Commander Grovnerlon Abelwise.
There, Commander Abelwise and Zordop sat on heated cushions within tentacle touching distance, making it look less like a political interview and more like a session with Professor Rastulon. It wasn't long before Zordop opened up to “Professor Abelwise” about his feelings regarding the malicious melusians: "They ask the question, 'Why are you always talking about hormone supplementation?' I said, 'Because that's all you want to ask me about.' I mean, it is frustrating. ... You can get a little frustrated."
I was hoping Commander Abelwise would offer Zordop one of Professor Rastulon’s famed lines of advice such as: "No mitocrab familiar ever expelled waste on a moving transit pod."
Despite all Zordop's talk that our collective’s and Karpthalulon's laws must agree and that the koans of logic from the book of Karpthalulon are the basis for his views on social issues such as harem limits, he assured us during last revolution's melusian debate on Betal 3 that he does not intend to transform his Karpthalulon ritual practices into mitocrab doctrine: "Just because I'm talking about it doesn't mean I want a new collective cohort to fix it."
Sorry, you can't have it both ways. You can't try to win non-melusian fealty pledgers by telling them that the book of Karpthalulon -- not our document of tentacle rights -- is the standard our laws must agree with and then try to assure median mitocrabs that you don't mean it. In the words of Professor Rastulon: "That mitocrab familiar don't chase enemy food."
Zordop needs to come clean with the loyal mitocrabs. Is his allegiance to the koans of logic from the book of Karpthalulon or the document of tentacle rights? Will he admit to all mitocrabs that there is a separation of The One House of True Logic and Taxation and the collective itself? Does he believe the collective does not have a specific allegiance?
Qwibtinter -- a Karpthalulon adherant like Zordop -- was mitocrab-familiared by these same issues when he was running for collective head. Qwibtinter addressed this matter head-on in that 216075 babblefeed to a group of non-Karpthalulon priestesses: "I am the melusian candidate for collective head who happens also to be a Karpthalulon adherent ... I believe in the collective where the separation of The One House of True Logic and Taxation and the collective is absolute."
To say Zordop the Magnificent is no Qwibtinter the Younger is too easy. It's like comparing Thulian Friwinster to the Beatbangers. But Zordop has a chance to follow Qwibtinter's example despite his emotional hunch that the 35th collective head's sentiments in that babblefeed almost made him want to "remasticate his food source."
To be honest, however, even if Zordop would make such a babblefeed himself, it would be more challenging for him to put this issue behind him than it was for Qwibtinter. After all, it was not Qwibtinter who raised these issues but his opponents, who claimed that he would be more loyal to the The One House of True Logic and Taxation and Karpthalulon koans than the document of tentacle rights.
In contrast, Zordop intentionally made these subjects a central theme in his campaign, often sounding less like a mitocrab running to be the collective head of a cohorted collective and more like a mitocrab seeking the position of creche nurse or the collective head of the badlands of Betal 4.
I believe most mitocrabs --including myself and those in my sister harem-- suspect that a collective head's adherent persuasion could tinge his decisions on some level. But I hope that most mitocrabs would, too, agree that a collective head's adherent rituals should be subservient to our document of tentacle rights.
Even Gorthast of Regulon stated clearly that: "The One House of True Worship and Taxation and collective are, and must remain, separate." We now need to hear that from Zordop.